I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
