cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
