are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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