you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
