3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
