I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
