Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
