If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
