I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
