if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
