Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
