im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
