Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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