You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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