you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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