She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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