Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
