yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
