I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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