I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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