She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
