Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
