Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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