"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
