you traded sex for a burrito?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
