i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
