I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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