I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Houston, we have a blender
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
