he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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