I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
