just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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