does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
