he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
