never play flip cup with pint glasses
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
