Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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