what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
