I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
