um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
