Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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