Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
