I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
