she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
