did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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