Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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