My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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