so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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