Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
