he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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