I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
