If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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