please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
