When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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